What to do when you don’t like someone you manage
It’s one of those things that doesn’t get talked about enough in leadership, but it’s completely normal – sometimes, you just don’t click with someone on your team. Maybe personalities clash. Maybe values or communication styles feel at odds. Maybe they’re too negative. Maybe there’s just something about their energy that grates. Whatever the reason, it can be especially difficult when that person is actually good at their job.
So what can you do when the person you find most frustrating is also someone you need to keep?
Start by tackling behaviours
If the team member is often negative, loud in their complaints, or dragging down the energy of the team, it’s absolutely fair to address that – even if they’re otherwise a high performer. These kinds of behaviours can be demoralising for others too, not just the manager.
Try to keep the tone friendly and informal, but make it clear to them that it’s not professional and is impacting the team. At the same time, present them with a more constructive way to hear their view (and make it obvious that their view is important to you). Ask them to write down all their complaints to go through with you at a regular catch-up, which you diarise and stick to. If you ever notice they are starting up with problems again, ask them to make a note of them to talk through at the relevant time.
Then tackle common ground stuff
When someone feels worlds apart – politically, socially, personally – it’s tempting to retreat and avoid interaction altogether. But this usually makes things worse, not better. As humans, we are more naturally ‘attracted’ to people who are similar to us, and this is where we can influence our brains to find people more tolerable: we just have to look for things we have in common. I bet, somewhere, there is at least one thing you have in common with the employee you dislike. Maybe a love of dogs (or cats!), maybe an uncle who was a musician, maybe you live in villages with excellent pubs. It can be anything, but you need to find as many of those tiny things and use them as a way to connect with that person. It will help because the more we can see ourselves in others, the more we bring ourselves around to thinking they’re not so bad. And this can be helpful for them too – if they can find common ground with you, they may be less likely to go into full complaining mode, particularly if you’ve already told them that you find it difficult to deal with. And every time you start your one-to-one, ensure you do at least two or three minutes of small talk so you can find a growing number of things in common.
3 resources to help get along with others
How to find common ground: Building relationships across difference
How to manage someone you don’t like: some more ideas
Great podcast episode on how to get along with anyone: communicating through conflict
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